Posted by: feralfish | May 22, 2008

Fake Spoiler Alert: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

If you’re like me you’re constantly at war with yourself as to whether to indulge in spoilers or not. On the one hand you want a fresh, unspoiled experience full of surprises when you consume new media. On the other you’ve just gotta know! So in the interest of those of us who hover between those two extremes, I’ve decided to start Fake Spoiler Alert. Here I’ll be covering possible plot points for upcoming or recently released media (mostly movies tough maybe we’ll slip a tv show or game in there) and just making up what happens in it. You’ll be able to get the feeling of foreknowledge along with the surprise when that foreknowledge is proved to be completely and totally false. The first movie we’ll be covering is Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (aka Indy 4). Click through for all the spoilery goodness.

-The crystal skull of the title is actually a red herring. It is in the film, but it turns out to be a malfunctioning droid from the Star Wars universe found in a crashed Sith starfighter. Once reactivated accidentally by Shia LeBeouf’s character (Skip Masterson) during a scene in Dracula’s castle, it follows our heroes through out the movie making wisecracks and struggling to come to terms with it’s previously evil nature. The skull is voiced by Chris Rock.

-Indiana meets up with Skip Masterson when returning his movies to a local blockbuster. He notices the kid’s pluck and determination while getting out of a paying a late fee. When he see’s that Skip’s rentals were The Phantom Menace and Dungeon’s and Dragons the movie he realizes that Skip is a lonely nerd but has a desire to break out and go on adventures. Dr. Jones decides to give him that chance based on the lifelong friendship that they’ve developed in the 5 minutes they’ve known each other.

-The real quest of the movie is for Indiana Jones to find the Dracula knife. This ancient artifact is said to have belonged to the vampire and gives the owner “Dracula powers”. Jones is forced to look for it by Cate Blanchett’s character Inga McNazibitch when she kidnaps Karen Allen’s character Marrion (from Raider’s of the Lost Ark) and Short Round (from Temple of Doom) after Indy and Skip meet them in line at an Orange Julius. Marrion and Short Round are currently dating (or as Short Round puts it “I’m plowing her!”). Inga also steals Jones’ trademark hat.

-Skip and Indy travel to Transylvania and track down Dracula’s castle. While there they are attacked by “Dracula clones” (smaller, less powerful versions of Dracula himself) but manage to escape with Dracula’s journal. Upon reading it they discover that Indiana Jones is actually a descendant of Simon Belmont and Skip is really Alucard, Dracula’s son (he forgot)!

-Indy and Alucard, armed with the knowledge in the book, make their way to Dracula’s summer home, the location of the Dracula knife. While there they fight more Dracula clones, a werewolf, and a Frankenstein. The Frankenstein turns out to be a good guy though and in love with Alucard. He kills the werewolf by jumping off a cliff (there’s always a cliff) with him. Alucard has a bit of a cry because he loved the Frankenstein too.

-Finally finding the knife chamber, which none of the Dracula clones or Alucard can enter, Indy has to choose from hundreds of knives scattered all around the room. He finally chooses the one that has “Dracula” written on the hilt.

-When he exits the room he finds Inga McNazi Bitch outside, holding Alucard captive while the Dracula clones have Short Round and Marrion. She demands the knife and Indy reveals that Dracula is a shapeshifter and is totally Inga! She smiles, revealing fangs and throws Alucard off the cliff, attacking Indy. He finally stabs her with the knife and she and all the Dracula clones explode.

-As Indy and Marrion are going to go for the obligatory kiss, Alucard is seen climbing over the cliff edge. He yells “Dracula is a shape-shifter…but he wasn’t her!” at which point Short Round picks up the knife and throws it at Indy. The crystal skull gets in the way though and blocks the knife, exploding in the process.

-Alucard picks up the knife and with tears in his eyes as Dracula tries to convince him that he should give him the knife and join him since they’re father and son. Alucard says “You want the knife? Take it!” and stabs his father. They both explode.

-Finally, Indy and Marrion have a kiss and he says “How about some plowing?” and the screen fades to black.

-Stay tuned after the credits though! At the end we see Dracula’s summer home flying over New York City with Dracula standing at the cliff edge looking down. The camera then pans to the Cloverfield monster, who looks up at him. Cut to Dracula who smiles and nods. Then the camera cuts to a shot of the Cloverfield monster looking up at the castle before the movie ends. It’s unsure whether this is a tie in for Warren EllisCastlevania movie, Indiana Jones 5, or Cloverfield 2, but either way it looks pretty exciting!

Well…that’s all folks, hopefully you’ve enjoyed this installment of Fake Spoiler Warning.

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